W. C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

I drink therefore I am.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.

Never give a sucker an even break.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

I never met a kid I liked.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.