Art Buchwald

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

I've known Don since he came to Washington. When he first came to work for George W. Bush, he was a different Don Rumsfeld. He was jolly, full of life, and ready to go to war, but only if we could win.

There was tremendous pressure to take dialysis, and there were lots of tears when I broke the news to the family that I was not going to do it.

Men and women cannot live by bread alone. They must also tinkle. Show me someone who has no trouble tinkling, and I will show you a happy and rich person.

It is one thing to choose to go into a hospice; it's another thing to get on the air and tell everybody about it.

Being in the hospice didn't work out exactly the way I had expected. By all rights, I should have finished my time here in mid-March 2006 - at least, that's when Medicare stopped paying.

A humorist has to be taken seriously before he's considered a real writer.

I found out I'd spent my whole life believing things that weren't necessarily accurate. My sisters' memories of certain events are entirely different from mine.

So far things are going my way. I am known in the hospice as The Man Who Wouldn't Die. I don't know if this is true or not, but I think some people, not many, are starting to wonder why I'm still around.

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

Unless they've had some experience with it, the hospice is still a mystery to most people. Because hospice deals with death, people tend not to talk about it.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

I worship the quicksand he walks in.

I was put on earth to make people laugh.

The Marine Corps was the first father figure I had ever known.

Becoming eighty is a matter of life or death. I chose life. It is a much better position to be in, and it's easier on your back.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.