Rodney Dangerfield

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.