With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.