Mark Twain

The Public is merely a multiplied 'me.'

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

When in doubt tell the truth.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.

Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.

If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

We have the best government that money can buy.

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.