Mark Twain

Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.

It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.

She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.

All emotion is involuntary when genuine.

Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.

Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.

It is easier to stay out than get out.

How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before.

Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.

He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.

As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.

There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.

Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.

Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.

Prosperity is the best protector of principle.

We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

In 'Huckleberry Finn,' I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as ever any boy had.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.