Emo Philips

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.