Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.