My life needs editing.

I was on stage last night, and I gave a medical report about Donald Trump. I said he was hospitalized for an attack of modesty.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.