My life needs editing.

I was on stage last night, and I gave a medical report about Donald Trump. I said he was hospitalized for an attack of modesty.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

I didn't think that anything is beyond humor - not profane humor, but a good, honest approach to humor.