Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.