Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

I am two with nature.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.