Robert Benchley

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off.

For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.