John Bishop

Oh, listen, stand-up is my home.

As a father I can't imagine the pain of digging my own child's grave.

My generation are the neurotic ones. Therapists' offices all over the world are full of patients blaming their parents for their own failings.

If you have three children under the age of four, as I did, you have to make choices, because you cannot hold hands with all of them.

I have worked hard to be all the things that I thought a family man should be, but I probably could have done better by not trying to run a family like I was picking a five-a-side football team.

Being a family man has been the most rewarding and the most disappointing thing I have done in my life.

Something can only go wrong if you know what you're doing.

I haven't met a comedian who is judgemental of other comedians.

What I found absolutely the best thing about comedy is it's a little club. You find yourself part of this strange needy society of people who want to go on stage and make people happy.

I'm not saying everyone who has a problem in their relationship should be a comedian, but I think if you're to work things out you've to get out of the bunker.

What made me a comedian was staying on the stage and starting to talk.

By doing the comedy you don't get heckled by your own wife.

I've never had a piercing before. I thought I'd be cool.

I'm a big believer that if you touch it, you can believe in it.

My kids get annoyed if you ask them what their GCSE results are.

When have you ever sat down with your mates and said, 'Look, tell me about your dad?'

I 100 percent do not see myself as the new Piers Morgan!

Being on stage, telling jokes and telling stories is where I feel the most at home.

We live on a two week cycle in our house so if I go away for two weeks, it's too long. And if I'm home for two weeks, it's too long.

The idea of being on a show and having a chat, that's one thing but I wanted to do something where you'd have one person and talk.

Everybody has layers.

The biggest thing that's ever happened in anyone's life is your family, isn't it? They're the most important thing in your life.

When I started doing arenas, because of the screens, I was back to getting the reaction of a very small room. If I say something and raise my eyebrow, everyone sees it. So people were laughing at the subtleties that they weren't getting in the theatres. It was really strange.

I love pure joke-tellers, but if I go to see a comedian for a full show, I want to feel I know them more than when I came through the door.

As soon as I speak, I think people go, 'Well, he obviously must have grown up on a council estate, gone to a comprehensive school and be working class - so I can relate to him.'

I don't sit at home and craft a joke.

I do get propositions, but you can't take it serious. I'm in me mid-forties, I've got teenage kids - there's no way I'm going to be caught in a Jacuzzi with some girl out of 'The Only Way Is Essex.'

I mean Ireland, in all honesty I owe Ireland a lot because I think, and I'm not just saying this flippantly, Ireland is probably the reason that I do the job I do because when I started doing stand-up I came to Ireland and I just sort of gelled with the idea of doing it the way I do - telling stories.

There comes a time in your life when you become comfortable in your own skin.

There's no slowing down but I've got to be honest, I'm probably not going to learn French.

When I was 30 we had two kids, a third on he way. I was working for a pharmaceutical company. I had been married four years.

I go out with my mates and after a drink they'll ask, 'How are you a comedian? You're not the funniest among us,' And they're right - I'm not even the funniest in our house.

My job is trying to make people laugh. A room full of people laughing forget their worries, their issues, that's why I find it so joyful.

I grew up on a council estate. No one was working in our house.

I left the school sixth form after the first day because they wouldn't let me wear jeans and I couldn't go home and ask for money for trousers.

I know what it's like to have nothing.

Brexit - I was sick of it when it was all happening. It's off the news now, but when Covid settles down it will just come back again.

When I write something down it doesn't look funny to me. It's about the environment, it's all in the moment.

An accent like mine defines you regionally, but it also gives you a class identity.

I have fond memories of the Grand National, but in recent years, as I have become more committed to animal welfare, I have grown increasingly uncomfortable about an event that every year results in the deaths of horses.

When you're 18, you might think that you're interesting. You're not, you're boring.

I started at 34 and I didn't go full time until I was 40. When I say started, I mean the first time I went on stage.

I was right in the middle of a story and leading to a punch line and then I just heard 'John John' and I just looked around. I could see someone in the shadows walking forward and he said 'John I can't find me seat lad, d'ya know where me seat is?' I looked at him and it was my uncle Dave.

You can't pretend you're not part of the world that you come from.

One of my sons has a tattoo on his ankle that was meant to be Africa but looks like Australia, one of my sons mumbles, and one of my sons is a gay man. I'll be honest, there's been loads of nights when me and my wife have sat up and worried and worried and worried, 'What are we going to do if he doesn't stop mumbling?'

Comic Relief funds projects that help lift people out of poverty.

Imagine growing up never feeling loved by your family - the most basic of human needs.

Some families out there have unimaginably tough lives.

I wasn't aware so many kids were lacking basic things like a hot meal at night and somewhere warm and safe to live.

I normally put on Lycra or Speedos to plead with the British public to put their hands in their pocket for Red Nose Day.