Ari Shaffir

Being Orthodox Jewish is kind of like being raised on like network sitcoms.

I was playing basketball, and I had hemorrhoids in high school.

I hate being rejected.

People get mad at bad comedy. Way more mad than at bad novels.

It's not like I have campaigns, I don't want to be an activist or anything.

I'm a bit of an introvert, so after talking for an hour and then shaking hands and taking pictures with the people who came out, I kind of need to be alone for a bit to get away from all stimuli.

I'm pretty much only friends with comedians.

I genuinely like haggis. Everybody told me I was supposed to hate it, but I really did enjoy it.

I'm not as much a fan of the venues as I am the comics who inhabit them. I don't care if it's a bomb shelter, a bus, or a theater, if I'm watching somebody who makes me laugh, I'm down.

Everyone in L.A. talks about getting an agent or a manager in terms of getting on a sitcom or getting on a movie or doing something else.

The biggest thing I lost when I left religion was that sense of community and the culture. It was an unexpected kind of free-falling. When I was in it, I didn't understand how much the community was a part of my life.

I never had good grades until I dropped out of religion. And then suddenly, my grades went up.

The fact that I didn't believe in God was something that I just didn't consider. And then when I did, it was like, 'Oh yeah, I'm out.'

You just gotta record stuff and move on and make new material. Painters don't wait until they're in some specific gallery before they move on to the next painting.

It's all about the art. It's not about getting on TV or not getting on TV.

Once I started getting more successful, I just stopped caring completely - 'I'll just do exactly what I want. It doesn't matter.'

Early on, I had a girlfriend come see me, and she was like, 'Yeah, it was good, but you were funny at a dining hall at the University of Maryland.' That's when I realized I was contrived. I was reciting jokes. So I really worked on - no matter what - sounding like I was just talking to the people.

I worked for the Comedy Store as an employee trying to become a paid regular. I had this dream of achieving a half hour special on TV.

I know how lazy I am. So if I have to go somewhere else I can't get to easily, I talk myself out of it.

I love doing my podcast, but it's not my art form. I don't have to work on it. It's off the cuff.

If I focus solely on developing new material, then I can get a new 45 minute to an hour in about six months. Then I'll work on it and work on it and can make it killer within another six months or so.

Failing is part of my process. A new bit never works the first time. I figure I have to bomb 7 times to make it good. So I tweak it.

To me, every time it goes badly I see it as a good thing - because that means I'm one step closer to where I want to be.

I was on the outside of the industry. So I started a podcast early in the podcast boom and that caught on a little. I made an album that went to No. 1 on the iTunes charts. I made my own special. I started my own storytelling show.

I'm just a weird mix of immature and intelligent and I like to share my point of view and who I am.

If you like a conversational style of comedy, if you like comedy that's a little dangerous, I'm your guy.

I'm not intentionally dirty. It just kind of happens. It's not like I'm a shock comic who's looking to walk people.

At The Comedy Store, night after night, the crowds are fuller. It used to be Tuesday at 9 you'd have to start with six people. Now you come in on Tuesdays and it's 100-plus people and you're like, 'Really? On a Tuesday?'

No astronauts look like George Clooney.

I'll just walk around New York and watch people on the streets.

I love gummy bears, pretzels of all kinds, popcorn, Doritos - those are all healthy snacks.

I definitely recommend keeping frozen corn dogs in your freezer.

I've fallen asleep at red lights before. Not like passed out, but like I've put the parking break on and reclined my seat and taken a nap.

The only threat is a growing pushback from militant liberals who seek to destroy free expression as they look to limit the speech of anyone who has feelings they find objectionable. It makes comics tentative to push boundaries and freely talk about the thoughts in their heads. That part is terrible for development.

I got an award for Most Improved Player for volleyball in tenth grade that I cared about a lot.

Leonard Cohen kept his Jew name. He's so cool. It's too bad he died.

I'm a cultural Jew, I was raised with it, so I'm still into it, like gefilte fish with kugel.

Being Jewish is a culture and a religion; we have food, music, and land specific to us.

One thing I hate in ethnic comedy is giving the audience the opportunity to laugh in a racist way at a thing. A lot of times dwarf comedians will do that, Arab comics, and gay comics will do it; everyone is laughing, but they're not laughing at the joke, they're laughing at this crazy character.

My CD, my first release, was at the Comedy Works in Denver, one of the best clubs in the country.

Get out of people's way and let them be who they are. If they make a mistake, fine, that's on them.

I want to do a travel book.

I get lost a lot.

I think you're a comedian as soon as you start. I don't think there's a moment where you become a full comic.

I lived with my parents until I was 25.

I'm like an overgrown child! I don't know how to do anything!

I grew up so conservative. I grew up as an orthodox Jew.

I don't vote and I don't follow who's trying to rule us. The revolution is coming. Until then, I'll just watch 'Game of Thrones.'

I have a running daydream about winning an Oscar and giving my speech about how ridiculous it is to rank art. And then I'd call them all sycophants and leave the statue at the podium as I walked away.

As long as you have your own apartment and you can pretty much make rent for the next year, you're golden!