I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

The thirties were troublesome in Belfast, and then of course there was no work for people, and it was terribly religiously divided.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.