I rant, therefore I am.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.