You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

A man is only as faithful as his options.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.