Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.