Les Dawson

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'

You do something you're really quite proud of, and the public doesn't like it. Then you do something that perhaps you're not at all happy with and the public loves it. And that's the moment of truth, because it's the audience that's the final judge.

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.

Slumps don't bother me.

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'