Karl Pilkington

The poorer people and criminals of Mexico who are not very religious but not quite atheists, either, worship Saint Death.

Comedy's really subjective, you know; that's why it's so hard.

People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!

I think it's mental to pay for water. Where is that water coming from? Are they in the hills puttin' it into bottles when years ago it used to roll down and go into the lakes?

With evolution, things are always changing, so I sort of think: Should we all be growing three heads?

I've never worried about life's big questions.

I've learnt that, even though I've travelled about, I haven't changed that much.

If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people.

I'm not a proper traveler. I don't like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax.

I've never thought about it before, but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too.

I don't know what 'famous' is, really.

I drive a car, like an adult. Not brilliantly. I'm not great.

I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you?

It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates, you can say what you want to each other, and you don't really get that annoyed about it.

I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don't quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there's awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don't televise it. I don't know why they do it for films or TV programs.

I mean, I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.

I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.

To be honest, marriage doesn't scare me and that, it's just once you've been together for so long, if you haven't got any kids it's just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn't it?

That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.

I don't know any Londoners 'cos I'm from Manchester.

All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird.

People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids. But what if I have one and then I regret having it? Has anyone thought of that option?

Getting old is better than being young. You can do what you want to do.

I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.

With acting, I didn't get much from it.

I was impressed by the Taj Mahal. A good bit of work, well looked after, worth paying money to see.

We should all love animals.

People say if bees die out, the world would end, apparently. Now, I don't know if that's true, if that's some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document, and people believe this.

I love nature - it's probably my most favorite thing. I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.

I had a bad experience doing public speaking at school. I had to talk about a pen for five minutes and it was really hard work. I couldn't wait to get off the stage.

I don't want to go about offending people; that's not my plan.

I'm not that lazy, but I don't need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life.

You can only live to be so old, then you gotta let go.

If you're doing the same job every day, there's room for error.

I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible, and then be pleasantly surprised.

Making the 'An Idiot Abroad' series, I was really dreading going to India; I thought I'd hate it. It was a nightmare, and I was really ill - just like everyone says.

I've done some luxury flying, which is brilliant. It has only happened once or twice, but it was nice because flying is the worst part of the holiday. But then again, if the plane crashes, you're still dead. For that much money I'd want a little capsule that whizzed me off to safety if it was going to crash.

I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'm not important, am I? I'm not doing anything that makes a difference.

I sometimes wonder how we're short of cod. There's gonna be a load deep down that are hiding. But it's a good reason to put the price up, and it means a load of people will have haddock. They should tell people they're running out of all sorts. Make 'em panic a bit.

Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.'

I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.

I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.

I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I'd be too honest.

I found that being with happy positive people annoys me.

Who'd have thought the Frisbee would have caught on?

Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really.

The other day I was thinking - because I get a lot of headaches - I was wondering whether the head should be where it is. Because, at the end of the day, it's probably the heaviest part of your body, right? And yet it's at the top as opposed to, I don't, dangling at the bottom somewhere.

I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.

When I go on holiday and people ask me what I do, I tell them I do some internet stuff and I've done a couple of books and I hope they just leave it at that.