Hari Nef

I live in a little studio apartment, so I try to keep the space super clean at all times.

I couldn't remember when I'd stopped willing to be trans and started wanting to be trans. If there were a difference, I'd forgotten it.

I've certainly been in situations where I've been rejected and endangered and had my humanity put in question - just as almost every woman on the planet has.

I love 'Heathers.' I love 'Spring Breakers.'

If I get too glam and polished and pretty, people are like, 'Hari, why aren't you speaking up about issues?' And if I start speaking up about issues, people are like, 'Why can't you just be an actress?'

I was never good at being a boy, but I was always a good student.

I was really into emo and scene culture in middle school.

I always think I look dead, but I never actually do.

Ariel is the most boring Disney princess.

When you're a teenager, everything is amplified because everything is a first. The first time you feel othered, the first time you feel rejected, the first time you fall in love... it's the first time, so it's so vivid, and everything feels like the whole world almost, because it is your whole world; your world is small when you're a teenager.

If we didn't desensitize ourselves in some way, every day would feel like its own tragedy.

People feel emboldened to say things on the Internet they wouldn't in person.

Leaving the house in a pair of flip-flops in Manhattan is disgusting to me, no shade.

I search my name on Tumblr more than I Google myself, and I Google myself every day.

I got the Fire Stick as a gift at the Amazon Emmys after-party in 2015, and because I haven't lived in a house with cable television since I lived with my parents as a child, I've just streamed everything. I can afford cable. I have a television. But I only stream things.

I like shows for atmosphere. I don't know, I think a plot-driven show is so boring and masc4masc and gross.

I think that you need to balance a critique of feminine, patriarchal beauty ideals while simultaneously understanding how they can make you safe, and they can make you feel safe, and they can open up certain doors for you that would have been closed.

I think that it should be every woman's choice, depending on how she feels comfortable. I can't think of any objective reason why you should wear makeup unless it makes you feel good.

When we say 'trans is beautiful' or 'being trans is the best,' that is a truth we created for ourselves that's clearly not true in every signal we get from the world around us.

Dysphoria will always be a painful place.

What's infuriating is when cis people think celebrating me is celebrating transness.

My desire to be an actor or a model precedes my identity.

Fashion gave me the platform that has made this transition from fashion to Hollywood, from East Coast to West Coast. Fashion gave me the platform that has made this easier than it is for a lot of other people. And I will always count fashion as the industry that was first to welcome me and embrace what I could do.

Expectations are kind of lethal for art, I think.

I'm very conscious and weary of the hype economy and the way people build things up just to tear them down.

When people ask me what I do, I tell them that I 'do things in front of people.' I don't know why I do what I do. I've tried working behind the scenes. I felt left out!

I can say with confidence that my trans/transfeminine identity emerges as the most heavily problematized aspect of my lived experience. My transness is not a problem on its own but problematized by a society that reviles it, hates it, fails to understand it - or does not wish to.

I want to see definitions of what's beautiful, compelling, palatable, marketable, sexy, and prestigious open up to a wider range of bodies, identities, and backgrounds.

I identify with Sad Girls.

I identify with anyone who logged online in elementary school and never logged off.

I'm fun, ruthless, articulate, impatient, maybe a little cavalier. I'm a woman and a feminist. I'm transgender. I'm an actress, a reluctant writer, occasionally a potato-shaped model.

If you're anything other than a white, cisgender, able-bodied dude, people are going to project narratives, imagery, and context onto you that you might not necessarily see for yourself.

Whether you're a woman, a transwoman, a person of color, I feel like Instagram is really important for the creation and framing of the self.

I'm not so fascinated by these ingenue roles. I tend to gravitate towards women in plays or shows or films that are more chaotic or have something dire going on.

I admire actresses who are willing to jettison the easy route toward exposure and commercial success as an actor in favor or a slow burn, choosing projects carefully, and building an artistic practice over time that feels specific to who they are as artists.

I majored in drama and theater arts at Columbia and was always in acting studio, but that was a liberal arts degree, not a bachelor of arts degree, so I didn't have a traditional conservatory training. There was a lot of reading and a lot of writing involved, and only about 30 percent of my classes were directly theater-related.

I had family who exposed me to all sorts of different media involving actors - films, theatrical productions touring through Boston. My grandparents, particularly my mother's parents, were huge fans of all the arts, and they took me to these shows and exhibits at a very young age, so I was just immersed in it.

Trans-dating is hardcore, and it's really scary. And that's coming from me, someone who couldn't be dating in a more open-minded Manhattan pool of artsy boys and creative folk. Not saying it all sucks. I'm just saying it's not easy.

Fashion gave me my start, and that will always be my home. I'll always be so grateful for all my collaborators and friends I've made there, but I'm so excited to dive head first into just being a working actor.

I want to play Lady Macbeth. I have a big chip on my shoulder about Lady Macbeth. People usually play her as this cold, Greek witch, but there's no evidence of that in the text! I think her intentions are pure.

Fashion has always captivated me because, like I said, it has the potential to create narratives about what's beautiful, aspirational, chic, masculine, feminine, glamorous, etc. Generally, this power is dispatched in useless ways.

Sometimes it feels like people can't wrap their head around the notion that an 'androgynous' trans woman with shorter hair could be beautiful.

I see a Reiki healer from time to time. She sits on my bed, and I lie in her lap. She puts her hands on me for about 45 minutes, and she reads my energy. Whenever I'm having a hard time, I call her. I also go to weekly therapy, and that has been invaluable. Also, getting on medication for my 'neural atypicalities,' I guess we might call them.

When it comes to modeling, I always feel like my body is a myth or a story that is told by other people, and no one knows what my body really looks like.

I've gone from the edgy girl to the girl you call for H&M and L'Oreal, which is something neither I nor the myriad agencies that rejected me when I tried to get signed could have predicted.

If I ever called myself an activist, I regret it, and I was cornered into it by an industry who couldn't justify me taking up space without saying that I had some kind of radical political agenda because they saw my participation as a radical political thing. Which it was not.

I don't want to say that women who do use makeup or get breast implants or have fake nails are insecure. They're entitled to that, and they should do that if that's what they want to do. But for me, there are no answers. It's just a matter of preference and choice and fetish.

When I don't wear makeup, it's not because I'm lazy, but it's me making this radical bid for the feminization of my body and being confident in that.

Being a woman is an option, being trans is an option, and they're options that appeal to me. We need to listen to people - not labels, not semantics.

I'm a different girl almost every time I look in the mirror.