Demetri Martin

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

To me, comedy is a game.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.

I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line.

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.

As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

People only have so much attention.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.