I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
D
Demetri Martin
Profession:
Comedian
Born:
May 25, 1973
Nationality:
American
Quotes by Demetri Martin
Showing 50 of 88 quotes
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
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Demetri Martin
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.
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Demetri Martin
To me, comedy is a game.
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Demetri Martin
I never set out to do a sketch show.
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Demetri Martin
I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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Demetri Martin
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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Demetri Martin
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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Demetri Martin
And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
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Demetri Martin
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
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Demetri Martin
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
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Demetri Martin
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
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Demetri Martin
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
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Demetri Martin
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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Demetri Martin
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.
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Demetri Martin
Let no man's deathbed be a futon.
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Demetri Martin
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
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Demetri Martin
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
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Demetri Martin
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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Demetri Martin
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
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Demetri Martin
I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!
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Demetri Martin
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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Demetri Martin
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
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Demetri Martin
As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.
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Demetri Martin
Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.
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Demetri Martin
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
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Demetri Martin
It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.
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Demetri Martin
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
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Demetri Martin
I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line.
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Demetri Martin
I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
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Demetri Martin
I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.
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Demetri Martin
As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.
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Demetri Martin
I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
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Demetri Martin
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
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Demetri Martin
I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.
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Demetri Martin
It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.
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Demetri Martin
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.
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Demetri Martin
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
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Demetri Martin
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
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Demetri Martin
I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
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Demetri Martin
People only have so much attention.
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Demetri Martin
I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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Demetri Martin
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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Demetri Martin
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
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Demetri Martin
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
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Demetri Martin
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
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Demetri Martin
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
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Demetri Martin
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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Demetri Martin
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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Demetri Martin
I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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Demetri Martin