Alan King

My wife is a very attractive woman, and she's always worried about her diet. But she doesn't pay attention to me, and I don't pay attention to her. She's a vegetarian, and it drives me crazy.

Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.

Right when I started in show... Milton Berle was my first idol. When I was a kid, I went to see Milton at Lowe's State, and I never laughed so much, and I said, 'That's who I want to be; that's what I want to be.'

I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

The ability to absorb a book and make someone else's words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.

When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.

My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.

I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.

Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it's hard to turn away. Then, of course, you're hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.

When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.

Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn't know fluffy. Everything sank.

Smoked salmon is for dinner. Belly lox is for breakfast. Don't get that mixed up.

I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

My mother kept the house clean and we ate good. I didn't know we were poor until I started giving interviews.

My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'

I was a high school throw-out.

Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.

Museums are good things, places to look and absorb and learn.

Performing is just standing up there and doing something. Performance takes on an edge to it. It has a more dramatic context.

If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.

My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'

My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.

There's nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.

My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.

I learned to cook in self-defense. My wife doesn't know what a kitchen is. In the first month of our marriage, she broiled lamb chops 26 nights in a row. Then I took over. I used to mind her not caring about food, but no more - as long as I can eat what I want.

When I was a kid, I used to send away for those ventriloquist kits on the back of comic books.

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!

The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

Did you hear the one about the elderly Jew on his deathbed who sent for a priest, after declaring to his astonished relatives that 'I want to convert.' Asked why he would become a Catholic, after living all his life as a Jew, he answered: 'Better one of them should die than one of us.'

As you get older, as you become more sensitive, feel more, it becomes harder to make jokes. You censor yourself.

There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'

Age, style, where you come from, where you were born, it's different every time, which, to me, is refreshing because it says that there isn't any one thing, one formula or kind of character that makes a great comedian. Everybody has had a different approach.

I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor.

My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.

It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback.

Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.

Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.

I can't stay friends with anyone who doesn't have a passion for something; and, generally speaking, artistic people, creative people carry it right into the kitchen, too. They have a zest for life; the excitement of living. All of the great eaters I've known are also men of great wit.

One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'

Modesty is not one of my virtues.

You only live once, except for Shirley MacLaine.

I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.

As a parent, I'd - I'd be a better father.

I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.

I had a sympathetic role in 'thirtysomething,' and in two weeks I'm going to do the role again. But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It's much more fun. Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.